Relations'Meet me,' he'd said and forgotten
'Love me': but of love we are frightened
We'd rather leave and fly for the moon
Than say the rights words too soon
[Loius Philippe's Yuri Gagarin]
I don't know the song, but the above snippet is quoted at the beginning of Jonathan Coe's What a carve up!, which I finished reading this afternoon, in between seeing a sister off at the airport and carolling with the church youth. It was a marvelous book: a satire/whodunit/family biography that was sensational in many senses of the word. It had multiple narrative styles and obsessive internal links and somehow married absurdity with verisimilitude. And, as promised by the friend who gave it to me, it "told me a lot about England, especially during the Thatcher years".
It also represented a departure from my normal fiction habits: ever since school engulfed leisure reading, I've generally restricted myself to acclaimed literature. (I have, however, contrived to read every single Discworld, apart from The Light Fantastic, the young readers titles, and The Last Hero, which one of my siblings tantalisingly left on our dresser. But extrapolating "acclaimed literature" could totally include Pratchett, no? :D) But then I'd wanted something comfortable to read on the plane and didn't have any unread fiction with me, so What a carve up! it was. And a most delicious one too.
Beautiful emo quotes and pretentious self-evaluation aside, evidently some people say the right words at the right time, because my oldest sister and new brother got married at a gorgeous ceremony on Saturday! It was so splendid and lighthearted and joyful and amusing and lots of other happy adjectives. And we got through the various small slip-ups ("Eh did anyone remember to buy a guest book?") and no one tripped down the very long aisle or dropped a bouquet or anything (by "no one" I mean "my sisters thought I might"). It's still a bit odd to think that my sister has a husband -- and that I have in-laws. Or at least I think I do; I'm really not sure about the terminology and currently choose to be unashamed of my ignorance rather than conforming to my generation and googling it.
But whatever I'm supposed to call them, both Mr. Ex-fiance and his family are wonderful, and I feel so honoured and am so excited for him and my dajie! Selfishly, it's nice to know that I now have more family = more people whom I can bid goodbye with the certainty that I will see them again. I shall be trying to pray for them.
Apart from the wedding lunch, the rest of the day included (not exhaustive): walking, Penang Road cendol, spacing out at home with relatives from my dad's side, dinner at Rangoon Road, and catching up with a cousin who had just returned from China in a 3am-till-cocks-started-crowing conversation.
(Though I'm convinced that the chickens in our vicinity are permanently jet lagged or something. Also, future jet lag is a convenient excuse for staying up at odd hours when you'll be leaving the time zone in a few days. Which doesn't make me any less of an idiot right now, but I'm just not very sleepy yet although the batty birds have already crowed a couple times.)
An unexpected turn of events
[Matron-of-honour to my second sister = other bridesmaid, while we were watching Avatar]
The wedding day also included a trip to the cinema with the happy couple + assorted cousins + friends to catch the 11:20pm show of Avatar. It was a diverting mash-up of, among other things that currently elude me:
-Eagle Eye (one of the two random DVDs that I recently watched with my Brit cousin = 50% of my celluloid last term): less stellar brother substitutes for amazing dead identical twin brother but accomplishes astounding feats in spite of the seemingly omnipotent heavy-handed power-crazed superior
-George W.
-Legolas's impressive poseur moves in the film versions (in Singapore I was part of several debates about whether it is poseur to spell poser as "poseur", but since that term isn't too common in banter anymore, and since the less ... poser spelling gets itself confused with conundrums, I chose to use the spelling that I did, and yes I be overanalysing again)
-Fern Gully, as the bride pointed out to me (I spent years of childhood thinking that I'd watched some Japanese show called Fengali, but then I also spent years thinking that I'd eaten a Japanese dessert called tiramisu and Japanese candy called Haribo)
-certain sorts of church services
-Harry Potter, with that whole "Wait where am I --> Oh I'm here --> I was born to fly --> I was born to dominate the world with my dazzling coolness" deal
-Tarzan, or possibly King Kong
Overall I only found Grace and Trudy compelling. The dialogue was less than inspiring; the male characters has particularly canned lines, although that was probably partly intentional. But still. That said, it was fun and well-paced and I did like it. I also like how the twelve of us were the only people in the audience who cracked up at some of the terrible cheesy lines, from the unobtanium downwards.
I once saw this guy who has 'Veni vidi vici' tattooed around his neck
[Sister's husband's sister, during dinner on Sunday]
On Sunday night my (unmarried) sister and I got back from showing the under-30 Americans around parts of town that were walkable at 11pm, and then Ma and my sister and I settled around the table and had a truly lovely talk about a lot of different things that had been happening in our lives. It's the sort of talk that I often have with good friends but rarely get to have with family for reasons of geography, and I was grateful.
But I was also horrified at one point during the conversation to realise that I was scared of being Julius Caesar. I didn't mention this aloud, because my sister had just been describing the interview for mental conditions that they use at her workplace -- she is a gracious social worker at the Institute of Mental Health -- but it occurred to me because I'd just mentioned how weird it was to be at a point in life where I can do what I want to do simply because I want to do it. Not in the moral sense, but rather in the fact that I can declare that I will write my thesis on some random phenomenon simply because I decide it's fascinating.
To clarify, I mean that I am scared of becoming Shakespeare's conception of Caesar. Not that I think my good friends will stab me one day (fingers crossed) or that I will faint when non-aristocrats breathe on me or that my ghost will manifest to tell some poor sod that it will manifest again, but when I was talking about how my education has empowered (ugh I don't like the soppy self-help connotations of that word) me to choose what I wanted to do, I just thought of that scene where whatshisface is trying to get Caesar to go out on the Ides of March, against Calphurnia's wishes, and Caesar says something like: "To say I may not go is false, and 'cannot' is falser, but the reason is in my will. I will not go forth today." (quote is approximate because I'm slightly sleepy now and the internet connection is too cranky to justify googling the text)
But anyway. I was thinking about the ridiculous increase in mobility and agency that I've enjoyed these last few years, as well as how hurtfully stubborn I can be towards myself and my family members, and sometimes the combination of these things worries me. At one point this past term I realised how much the tensions in Tan Hwee Hwee's Mammon Inc -- the cultural confusion, the urge for the ascendancy of shiny beautiful people, the desperate desire to be witty -- resonate in me. Which was odd, because the one time I read that book was years ago when I was still squeamish about (literally) letting my hair down and didn't know if I'd get to the US for college.
My sleepiness and my mother suggest that I should go to bed now, so in an attempt to wrap up unedited and confusing thoughts: it's not in my nature to get a weird tattoo on my neck and I doubt it's in God's nature to let my conscience condone being grabby about power, so hopefully I will be listening to the right things. And yay family, old and new! I love you all. Really.